Love, Loss and Desperation

I realise that I have literally just begun my blog, and that I have posted something a mere few minutes ago, but I am in dire need of erm, the need to talk.
Though not much is known of me since I have been on the scene for...twenty minutes, I must speak of a few things.
I have been feeling very weird recently.
This weirdness and general malaise can be explained however.

About two years ago, my grandfather passed away, having suffered from Alzheimer's for several years after being the caretaker of my grandmother who was bedridden from a stroke.
Literally two months after that, my Baba (this word translates into grandmother in the Ukrainian language.) passed away.
I was extremely close to my Baba, and she and Dido (grandfather) lived with my family and I, consisting of my Mama and Tato (father), and two brothers Joey and Mikey for my entire life.
This was like losing a second mother.
I don't wish to rehash the dark time I went through, but my Ukrainian Byzantine Catholic faith and family helped me through this rough two years.
Things were looking up for me.
I got to in a way, begin my life.
I began to do things that I had wanted to do. More things that I can explain in better detail after posting an appropriate explaination blog.

Everything was shaping up to be even more extraordinary than my already extraordinary life had been.
Then, on the 6th of March, the worst thing that could ever happen happened:
My Tato unexpectedly died.

Though I have tried to describe him, nothing I write can ever fully convey what sort of man he really was.
He was an analytical chemist with two Masters, two PHD's and a Bachelor's degree, he owned and operated his own chemistry comapany for thirteen years, he was world-renowned for his work, he was a bodybuilder that once bench-pressed 660 lbs and he was full of life and always lived in the moment.
He was also a deacon in the Byzantine church for what would have been thirteen years this April the 29th, and his 50th birthday was April the 21st.
He and Mama would have been married for twenty-eight years on the 6th May, and he was the best Tato anyone could ask for.

I watched my father die of an accute asthma attack, and I could do nothing.
Two years ago, I had watched my Baba die.
My life crumbled before my eyes.
Everything I know is different.

I do not wish to go into anymore detail, as I was not prepared to write about this subject at this moment in time.
I just figured that you might want to know what some of the reason for me 'feeling weird' was from.
But since that most horrid day, I have been living in a nightmare.
Doing work every day. Papers, files, finances, job searching.
I have been feeling caged.
And I have not been sleeping well since then, which poses somewhat of a problem, since I have been an insomniac for years.
I am at this moment, so terribly sleep-deprived that I feel disconnected and am really not entirely sure of what I am writing.
So please forgive any spelling mistakes or confusing sentences.


And sometimes I let my thoughts eat away at me where things become difficult to imagine.
Hopes, dreams, goals and etc.

During this time where I lost Tato, I also found out who really cares about me.
I found that it is very, very limited.

But I must keep my chin up.

Paitience.
Is a virtue...


I know that if I continue on this vein, I will be here all night and add to this long blog entry that no one will read.
So for now, I bid thee adeiu.

Sphinx
x